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pervy londo icon- by electrcspacegrl

Worst Tie-In Novels Ever

I'm making this post public because I want as much input as possible.

I have convinced myself (with a little encouragement from grey_bard) to run an unofficial reading party at this year's Dragon*Con (probably on the Marriott's tenth floor) celebrating the worst media tie-in novels ever written. I already know that I want to treat you all to some dramatic readings from Personal Agendas (B5), but I also want to hear some of your personal favorite howlers. I mean, is it true, as grey_bard claims, that there is a BtVS tie-in out there in which Buffy has a miraculous half-vampire baby? Please say it is!

Bad fiction is my crack.


Apparently, it exists, and is called "Queen of the Slayers". You heard it here first.

Did I mention the half-vampire miracle baby is the child of Angel *and* Spike as well as Buffy?
That so wins! You're right - we definitely need to acquire this one.
Oh I have GOT to read that one!
Queen of the Slayers (Buffy the Vampire Slayer)

No vacation. No benefits. And the only retirement is an early death.

With the closing of the Hellmouth and the awakening of hundreds of potential slayers, Buffy Summers thought she had overturned the Slayer's self-sacrifice and earned herself a much-deserved break. But the thrill of victory is short-lived. The Forces of Darkness are not ones to graciously accept defeat, and the collective rage unites disparate and powerful parties more eager than ever to reclaim dominance.

Willow's magickal distribution of the slayer essence left girls across the world discovering their latent power. Giles races to reorganize the now much-needed Watchers Council, and the Scoobies relocate to Europe. And there in Rome, Buffy is drawn to the Immortal -- a charismatic, if inscrutable, figure. But then comes word that a number of the fresh slayers are being coerced to join an army of slayers -- governed by the mysterious "Queen of the Slayers," an awesome evil determined to claim the intoxicating slayer essence for herself.

Xander is sent to Africa to learn more about the origin of the slayer essence. Instead, he returns to report that, alarmingly, there's not enough good in the world to counteract the overabundance of evil, and that the deciding apocalypse is drawing much too near. Alliances are formed and loyalties betrayed as it comes down to slayer versus slayer, leading to an ultimate battle of champions -- from Buffy's past and present. And then an unimaginable gift arrives...
Found it for sale at this link for about $9 incuding shipping

So Connor has a, er, quarter- (or maybe third-) sibling? Dude, that's just not *right!
It's not actually a physical baby with pregnancy and childboirth, but a humungous howling Goddess Sue mystical entity that manifests to help Slayers in their times of need.
That's almost worse. I love it.
Moselle Green suggests the Star Trek tie-in "Triangle" by Sondra Marshak. Spock and Kirk in a love triangle with Secret Agent Mary Sue! With added ponn farr!
And I found a copy at my used bookstore for $.65! Rock! Needless to say, I bought this work of deathless prose.
Woot! Score!
Planet X is a legit published cross-over novel by an actual legit author...

...that crosses Star Trek: The Next Generation with X-Men.

Hey now, that was a GOOD novel! That was like the only time MJF wrote Q well!
Ducking head

I read Planet X and it was acutally good.

I can't really match a miraculous half-vampire baby, but I can give you my pick for the worst Star Wars tie-in ever. I used to review all the SW books that came out (under the name Toryn Farr) until I got fed up with the unrelenting horror that is the New Jedi Order, but the Boba Fett duology by Jeter is far and away the most execrable writing I have experienced in that fandom. Go here to see the review: http://www.echostation.com/books/bountywars.htm
The Fascape Tie-Ins are legendary for thier level of Bad. House of Cards was the only one that was any good - the other two? *shudders* Moya being powered by coal! Pilot in John's quarters! More horrid characterisations than you can shake a stick at!

Ship of Ghosts

Dark Side of the Sun
I would once again like to nominate the X-Men novelization. I'd say it even wins Personal Agendas because it takes special skills to make a book that bad without actually having a bad plot or characterization.

And because:

And cut.
And cut!
Unbearable pain!


(and if you get your hands on the book about the miraculous child of Spike, Angel and Buffy, please, please, please post samples).
As I haven't read the X-Men novelisation mentioned below, I nominate the B5 novel Personal Agendas. For not only being bad beyond belief but wasting one of the best settings ever (Centauri Prime, Vir, Londo, G'Kar, Cartagia, early s4).

...I gave up reading BTVS and AtS tie-ins eons ago, because yeah, bad. Really really bad.
Hey, you must nominate "The Touch of your Shadow, the whisper of your name" also. It was craziest B5 novel after "Personal agendas" @.@
I'm going to nominate the TOS novel "Black Fire", where Spock leaves Starfleet, shags a random Romulan woman, becomes a pirate (!) and wears a cloak. And earring. Genius.


"Vulcan!" by Kathleen Sky was incredibly bad, as well as implausible. Mary Sue turns up, hates Vulcans - and this is fine, because she's just that pretty - stuff happens, there are some ants (!), this is significant, then it turns out that Mary Sue doesn't hate Vulcans, OMG, but used to be in love with one. Shock! Horror! Spock plays proxy is a sex scene poorly disguised as mindmeld, they snuggle (!), and everything is fine again.

Did I mention the Mary Sue is a xenophobe? And that the plot revolves around ants?

Re: And...

Oh, when we're talking Trek - can I nominate Diane Carey in general? I know she's popular, but in everything of hers I tried, I found elements which were completely obnoxious. There was the DS9 novelization where we learn that Worf is ashamed of being a Klingon and of Klingon heritage (!!!). Then there is the way in which human equates American for her whenever she references history. And her Kirk adulation.

Okay, end of rant. I know, it's beside the original point. Except, isn't she credited with inventing the original Mary Sue, the Lt. who actually was called that and had Kirk and Spock falling in love with her?

Re: And...

There was the DS9 novelization where we learn that Worf is ashamed of being a Klingon and of Klingon heritage (!!!).

Yeah, that one sucked. But she did write 'Best Destiny' and 'Final Frontier', which I liked a whole lot. Granted, the rest of her stuff is rather formulaic, and she seems to really have it in for the Klingons (the Romulans, oddly, tend to be portrayed as an honourable race - even in the Next Gen setting, where they clearly aren't).

Incidentally, have you read 'The Final Reflection' by John M. Ford? Best. Klingon. Book. Ever. And I don't even like the Klingons! It's basically one long chess game, from the point of view of a Klingon lad, who then gets to be a captain, and then a (sort of) diplomat. It does for the Klingons what 'The Romulan Way' did for the Rihannsu.

isn't she credited with inventing the original Mary Sue, the Lt. who actually was called that and had Kirk and Spock falling in love with her?

Which books are you thinking of? It would be 'Dreadnought' and 'Battlestations!' would it, 'cause I totally failed to get through either of those. Lt Piper, even if she wasn't called Mary Sue, certainly behave like one - down to having random Vulcans fall at her feet. Sheesh.

Re: And...

Yes, I read The Final Reflection and loved it.

And yeah, "Dreadnought" and "Battlestations!" would be the books in question.

Klingons: aren't even my favourite race, either, but I'm appalled at the way she treats them. Bah.
You know... I have a friend whose job is to watch for asteroids that might potentially intersect the orbit of the Earth, and one day last year her husband sent me an e-mail saying he thought I might like to know that they seemed to have found something very large and very close and we might all be dead very soon. He was quite serious, though, fortunately, it turned out to be a false alarm. But I remember thinking at the time that if the world was about to end, my one real regret was that I'd wasted the past week reading that execrable Buffy novel. :)

I think it was Obsidian Fate, and while it didn't have the kind of egregious, showy badness other people have been talking about -- e.g. no half-vampire Mary Sue miracle babies, which is a pity, because that might at least have been entetaining -- it was pretty painful. Weird continuity issues, like Cordelia's car having apparently vanished from reality with no explanation. And lots of examples, as I recall, of passages that were essentially of the form: "Character X didn't usually do things like Y, and didn't know why [s]he was doing that now, but did it anyway [because the plot demanded it]." Sheesh. Actually I think it was largely that book that inspired me to make this list. Which I should really cross-post to my LJ sometime. Unless I already did so and forgot about it, which I may have done.